I'm still looking back y'all. I wanted a more exciting post for you.
It's why I waited so long to write. I kept waiting for some epiphany or some clarity.
But then I realized, life is a series of waiting and doing and cheering each other on. We don't get that big moment loads of times. We get lots of little moments all throughout the day - waking up, making breakfast, sipping our coffee, grocery shopping, reading a good book, cuddling with husband - to be brave and honest and intentional.
I don't want to wait for the big moments to happen. I don't want to wait for flashy and newsworthy.
I want to live right here in the little, faithful acts of love - him rubbing my forehead as "Dust to Dust" plays softly in the background because I have a headache.
I want to live in the flurry of attempting to make pork loin for friends and nearly falling to the floor in anxiety when I taste how salty it is.
Should I cancel the dinner? How fast could a pizza get here? Should I just hide and let folks fend for themselves and leave a
pitcher bucket of water by the table?
The most rational thing to do is run the slabs of meat under the sink to get some seasoning off before crying a few tears in the bathroom and throwing your best hostess face on, right?
I want to live in the apologizing to my husband when I lost my cool in the poultry aisle of the grocery store. I can't make these things up y'all. I lost it by the raw meat. I freaked. I raised my voice and acted like a toddler.
I want to live in the getting a call from a friend and within ten minutes dropping everything to drive an hour to the hospital to wait all night as another dear friend had a baby.
And when you have loads of time in a big hospital, you and that friend pull out mats and start doing yoga - right there in the waiting space.
I want to live in the staying and signing a big scary contract and deciding that our little town is good for us right now. And maybe we don't have to move there, wherever there is just yet - maybe we can plant a few roots and dig a little deeper and put our big girl pants on and learn to be better at committing.
You see, this is my life right now. It's simple and messy and true. This is the highlights reel. This is my now.
There are dreams dear ones. Oh my, there are dreams and talks and big ideas on my heart. But it's in the waiting and discerning phase, it's in the saying it out loud across a table of pancakes phase.
And I think that's okay.
Because life is a series of small moments. It's a series of habits and trying again and apologizing.
It's not always pretty or easy.
But it's beautiful and worthy of our attention.
Something is stirring dear ones, I can feel it all the way to my toes. And I don't know what it is or how it will become. But I am excited and hopeful and choosing cheer.
Yes, I am choosing cheer over comparison.
I am choosing brave.
I am choosing to celebrate, embrace, and savor the now.
Those are the things I want to live inside.